When Hope Floats

(Un)solicited Dating Advice

2012-01-11T00:28:00.000-05:00

A dear friend of mine is navigating the lovely world of internet dating... eHarmony to be exact. She asked if I had any advice and this is what I sent her today.

Searching for the perfectly compatible person can be dangerous. Having similar interests and priorities will make life easier, but overall, marriage really does take work and relentless commitment.

Don't look for someone exactly like yourself. It took me a long time to figure out that more of me would be boring. I needed someone to balance me out.

Be careful out there! Please tell someone where you're going and don't let him pick you up until you're certain he's legit. I didn't have any bad experiences, but better to be safe. If he's a decent guy, he'll understand.

Enjoy the dating journey as much as possible and try to learn something from every match/relationship, even if short-lived.

Attraction makes the work of marriage easier. Give everyone a chance, but if you're not attracted after the second date, move on.

Be brutally honest with yourself. I always knew deep down when it wasn't going to work and ignored it, making matters worse for both of us.
Let them down easy, but truthfully. Don't let them feel like the door is still open if it's really not.
Be sure you're not adapting yourself too much to his likes. Learning to enjoy the things he loves is one thing. Doing so to win his approval and losing yourself in the process is another.
Getting married won't change him or make him want different things. (Although once he's "won" you, his pursuit will likely look differently than while you were dating.)

Talk about future priorities. Having the same priorities will make the work easier. If travel is more important to him than having a family, that probably won't change after you're married.

He should fit into your life and vice versa. If it feels too forced, it is.
If you're thinking he's a keeper…. Encourage your friends and family get to know him. Ask for their honest opinion and LISTEN to it. (I asked, but didn't listen.) They really do want the best for you. Try to stay as objective as possible. And pray for red flags to appear if they're there.

Don't expect something of him that you're not willing to give of yourself.

ALWAYS remember that your identity as a woman, as a child of God, has NOTHING to do with dating or marrying anyone. You are loved by God more than any man can ever love you. Whether or not a guy cares about you or not is ultimately inconsequential. (This was especially freeing to me when it finally sunk in. Chris Tomlin's song, "Your Unfailing Love" was especially helpful when things weren't working out!)
Have fun and be confident! You are an amazing catch and any guy in his right mind would be lucky to have you. (Remember that!)

Abide

2011-10-14T22:20:00.001-04:00

I was supposed to blog about Chapter 3 of our Sacred Marriage study, but for some reason I couldn't. Probably because I was wrestling with a few things. I don't have answers, but I do have peace and a fresh perspective.

It turns out that I can learn a lot from being a parent if I have the eyes to see the lessons right before me. When Annabelle is trying to get across a message that I don't seem to be understanding (at least quickly enough for her), she flaps her arms up and down quite quickly and makes her signature "maaaa" sound over and over again until I respond in the way she's expecting. She can't comprehend yet that I really do have her best in mind, that I'm not going to forget about her or her needs. I will never desert her and I will most certainly always love her, whether she can see me or not.

I've realized that often times I act like Annabelle when I don't feel like God is listening to me or answering my prayers as quickly as I would like. But the truth is that my Father God will never leave me. He is always with me and provides more than I need. All I need to do is abide in Him. Breathe deep. Relax. Trust. Pray. Hope.

And not just hope that He'll do what I want. Eternal Hope. Remembering that this is not our home. That's what this blog was meant to be: a testament to eternal hope floating to the surface of everyday life. How quickly I forget.

Making the Invisible God, Visible

2011-09-27T12:26:00.000-04:00

Some time ago I came across the language, "Making the invisible God, visible." This phrase kept coming to mind as I read the second chapter of Sacred Marriage.

"He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost to point to his own eternal, spiritual existence."
"... a word picture of the most important news humans ever received."

As I single person I was a signpost, trying to remember that I represented another infinitely greater than myself, trying to live my life in a way that people would see the Lord's goodness and mercy. And now, as a married person, that goal remains the same.

"The first purpose in marriage-- is to please God."
"Most of the cases of divorce among Christians... involve two Christians who have distorted their priorities in life."

These statements were extremely convicting for me! I know both of them to be true, but man, how easy it is to get sidetracked! I am guilty of getting caught up in the grind--the laundry, the dishes, sweeping so my crawling baby won't put every little thing in her mouth, diapers, more laundry, meals, church, community group, play dates--and forgetting what I should be focused on. Pleasing the One who rescued me.

God, forgive us for idolizing each other and our marriage. Help us to realign our priorities and keep our eyes set on You.

"The Greatest Challenge in the World"

2011-09-13T23:11:00.000-04:00

Three years ago if you had asked me, "What is the greatest challenge in the world?", my response would likely have been something about disaster preparedness or rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina. My life used to be about that... helping families recover and become whole again after their world was swept away in a storm. Louisianians have a very strong sense of family which influenced my husband and I to return home to be with our families when we found out that our Munchkin would be part of our lives.

Now, I'm part of a blogging book study and Chapter 1 of Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage, is entitled, "The Greatest Challenge in the World." Anyone can be married, but what does it mean to have a sacred marriage?

As I was reading this first chapter, four little words came back to haunt me from another book study I did years ago while living in Colorado. "It's not about me." Uggh, my selfishness rears its ugly head... again. The world doesn't actually revolve around ME or MY life at all.

The subtitle of this book is "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This rings true with the imagery we have in the Bible of marriage symbolizing the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. I'm glad that the author doesn't exclude happiness from the equation completely because the Bible is essentially one giant love story between the Creator God and the people He created. He delights in his people and rejoices over them with singing as it says in Zephaniah 3:17.

This book study also coincides with a study through my church in which we are discussing "heart-idols." How often do I rely on my husband for things that only God can provide? More than I'd like to admit to myself. I don't want to idolize my husband or our marriage, but when I allow the busyness of life to drown out the still, small voice of a God who is whispering His love for me, that's exactly what happens.

I thank God every day for the amazing husband that Karl is and for bringing us together. I pray that participating in this study will force me to take time to be still, reflect, learn and grow into a more godly woman and wife.

Beginning Again

2011-09-02T21:11:00.000-04:00

Only a mere 9 months or so has passed since my last post. Yikes! Baby B, our dear, sweet girl has filled our home with more joy than we ever dreamed possible. Annabelle Grace, how much you have changed our lives and how much we love it!

I'm starting this blogging adventure again so that I can participate in a blogging book study. We'll be reading Sacred Marriage and sharing our thoughts. Here's to having more than 13 posts this year!

To the surface

2010-11-19T02:57:00.007-05:00

This blog has been essentially inactive, aside from random comments from one Bob Podgurski, for quite some time.

My life has changed... in just a few ways. The most recent is that Karl and I are having a baby, due December 14. And so another chapter begins.

I won't promise to keep this up to date, and I doubt anyone will read this anyway, but tonight, with the rest of the world fast asleep, I felt the need to write once more.

Becoming

2010-11-19T02:22:00.004-05:00

Definition of BECOME

intransitive verb
1a : to come into existence
1b : to come to be
2 : to undergo change or development

Related Words: alter, change, metamorphose, modify, mutate, transfigure, transform, transmute
Near Antonyms: abide, be, continue, linger, remain, stay

Tonight it hit me. In one moment, the culmination of hours of labor and nine months of pregnancy, I will become a mother. Sure, you could count these past eight months as parenting in a way, but in the moment of birth, a new life begins and another lifestyle ends.

Ideally we should always be 'becoming' something different-- always learning, growing, changing. But the realization that I toss out into the void tonight is more drastic than that picture. Transformation, alteration, these are permanent and lasting changes.

Of course I know that becoming parents will change our lives forever, but the sheer reality of that fact is settling in to stay. Maybe now that we're down to the final days until Baby B will be considered "full term" I'm finally allowing myself to ponder. I've been focusing so much on the pregnancy and trying to get through all the changes associated, I haven't fully considered the right of passage that we are about to go through.

I love this unborn child more than I thought possible, but if I'm truly honest, part of me is mourning already for what will have been. Selfish things of course-- independence, free time, unlimited husband-time-- that will soon vanish and be replaced with altogether opposite things. I find myself almost wanting to linger in this currently uncomfortable, yet familiar state of pregnancy to delay this inevitable loss of what my life has been to this point. It sounds drastic, but just as in marriage, when our lives become so intertwined with another, it is impossible to remain unchanged.

As daunting and scary as this sounds to me right now, I want to embrace this transformation and absorb the weight of it-- both now and as I go through the work of bringing Baby B into this world. When the labor pains have ceased and the infant's breathing has begun, I am a mother.

Co-Founder of St. Bernard Project, Liz McCartney, honored as 2008 CNN Hero of the Year!

2008-11-28T17:36:00.004-05:00

Watch it on CNN tonight at 10 pm Eastern, Friday or Saturday at 8 pm Eastern. The honor comes with $125,000 which will rebuild 10 families' homes! Thanks to all who voted her in and congratulations Liz!

A page is turned...

2008-11-05T23:29:00.015-05:00

Where do I begin to tell this story? It's the one that every girl dreams of and leads up to a day spent wearing a white dress and catching the eye of the man anxiously waiting at the other end of the aisle. It's the kind of story that should offer us a glimpse of God's love for his bride, the Church.

It's difficult to comprehend that the events of the past year would lead me to so much blessing—in many things, but most incredibly in Karl Bontrager. He has a generous, servant heart and truly loves me for who God made me to be. His love for the Lord flows joyfully into the lives of everyone around him and I am fortunate to be one of those people he naturally encourages and supports along the way.

As you can probably guess from the photo to the left (that was NOT staged), there is a beautiful, sparkly ring inside that little white box--one that now resides permanently and quite happily on my left hand. How did we get to this point, you ask? Here's my version of the story.

The Meeting
I met Karl on my first day in New Orleans after making the move from Colorado in September of 2007. Two friends, Jeff and Janell, that I knew through Habitat had also felt led to leave their Fort Collins home (in my neighborhood) to spend a year rebuilding in New Orleans. We made our plans simultaneously without knowing it and finally discovered a few weeks before their departure that we'd be serving in the greater New Orleans area--them with Mercy Response and the Vineyard Church, myself with the St. Bernard Project (SBP).

When my brother, Gordon, and I planned our route, we timed it so we could attend church at the Vineyard where Jeff and Janell had arrived to work a week prior. In the parking lot they introduced us to Karl from Columbus who had just completed his 6th trip to New Orleans since Katrina, quit his job as a Lighting Engineer (the day before), and decided to stay on as a long-term volunteer. We all went to lunch, during which time I learned he was a Bengals fan and therefore immediately removed him from my mental list of 'possible suitors.' As a brand new Volunteer Coordinator, I did suggest that SBP would have plenty of work and gave him my phone number.

A few weeks later, in typical New Orleans fashion, he used that number to invite me to Cafe du Monde for coffee and beignets. When he suggested via email that we continue to get to know each other, I followed up with a pseudo-rejection, citing another relationship. He appreciated my honesty and we moved on as friends.

As the next six months went by, I saw him here or there and began to discern that there was something very joyful and unique about him. I found myself secretly wishing that he would be around when I got together with my fellow Coloradoans and tried to disguise my own disappointment from myself when he wasn't. This became harder to deny when his time in New Orleans was drawing to a close. He kept me in the loop as his plans to move on--to Tulsa, OK--were finalized. We agreed that we should have coffee again, one last time.

The Leaving
We met on Magazine St. and he drove me home. We talked about keeping in touch and I wondered if we would. The day he left, I found out through this text message, "I'll be back for you... I mean, I'll be back. Ahem :)" I remembering thinking to myself, "That's rather bold... he's layin' his cards out on the table. Interesting!"

We did keep in touch through text messages and a random phone call over the next few months. We lived parallel lives in different cities: church-hunting, moving, unpacking, and relating our experiences all the way. The first Sunday in Tulsa he learned of another trip to New Orleans and informed his boss he would need to take off from work to participate in June on his 9th trip. We determined that another coffee excursion would be in order and planned from there. The days and weeks went by, with many text messages, but he did call to see if I would actually go out on a date with him while he was in town. (Can you go out on a date when you’re on a mission trip?) I remember thinking, “I’m really glad he called to ask me that.” This time there was no rejection plan on my end.

The Reunion

I’m not sure when the pieces of the puzzle started to come together for me, but I can safely say that by the time I finally saw him in June, a greater appreciation was growing between us.

With the rest of his team, we served dinner to some of the homeless population in New Orleans on the first evening he was back in town. His “quick to serve” instinct was in full force. The meal ended in a prayer circle and as he grabbed my hand for the first time, I distinctly remember thinking how glad I was that prayer was the cause of our first physical contact.

The next night it was time for our date on which he guided me along a series of undisclosed locations with clues --Juan’s Flying Burrito, Café Beignet, and a stroll around the French Quarter. We laughed, learned, and listened a lot that night. It left me curious, wanting to more fully understand his story.

By the time the weekend ended, we had seen each other three times and discussed our mutual desire to actively pursue whatever God had for us. Yet another opportunity soon presented itself to meet at a Jeremy Camp concert over July 4th weekend. Leading up to that reunion was a lot more serious discussion along with some intense question and answer sessions. It was refreshing and confirming to be honest and have a peace about what we were sharing.

The weeks finally passed by and I arrived at the July 4th show for my first, true backstage experience. During the concert, a new feeling washed over me along with the familiar music. As we watched from the crowd together, I was able to fully worship with him beside me. Karl’s presence didn’t distract me, but supported and encouraged me to enter into the Lord’s presence. We sat there, together, soaking it all in and breathing deep His peace and love. Later that night, I accepted his request and officially became his girlfriend. (See above.)

I could easily spend hours writing about the ways the Lord continued to work in our lives, allowing us more opportunities to get to know each other, but I will limit it to a few.

The Applications

During an evening phone conversation shortly after we 'made it official,' I warned Karl that my family and close friends serve as the screening committee for all serious relationships. He, being the quick-witted guy that he is, asked a simple question-- "Well, in that case, is there an application for me to complete?" This opened the door for a bright idea that would occupy some of my time while sequestered in Baton Rouge at a training. I was inspired by my witty friend, Jen Stewart, who had created an application seeking dates for the various and sundry weddings she attended last summer. Starting with her format, I began to craft Karl's application, complete with short answer, multiple choice, and essay questions. He completed all 40-some questions within 36 hours and wanted more! So, we opened it up to the family and friends for their input. The application became over 100 questions, thanks to their submittals, and Karl created one for me as well. They ranged in seriousness from, "What's your favorite character in 'I Love Lucy'?" to "Who is God to you?" Once completed, both applications filled more than 35 pages! It was an incredible exercise and one I would highly recommend! We read the answers to each other and submitted them to the screening committees for approval.

Evacuation Vacation and Music Builds

I visited Karl in Tulsa at the beginning of August before he started the Music Builds tour with Third Day, Switchfoot, and Jars of Clay. Soon after that visit, we learned that the tour manager considered it a 'wash' as to whether she put Karl up in a hotel in Nashville for his days off or flew him to New Orleans! Every Monday for six weeks he was scheduled to arrive in NOLA and leave each Wednesday to meet up with the rest of the tour. When the first show in Florida was canceled, I was frustrated because he had no reason to fly to New Orleans the first week. I sulked a little, but quickly realized after keeping up with the weather that it would be in my favor that Karl was still at home in Tulsa. On the anniversary of Katrina, August 29th, I began my Hurricane Gustav evacuation journey and made my way north to Oklahoma. Evacuating was, by far, one of the most stressful things I've ever done alone and I was never so glad to see Karl's welcoming face, at the end of my drive. As my sister said, "God canceled a whole concert for you!" There was nothing more comforting than being with Karl as we watched, waited, and prayed about the future of New Orleans and the Gulf. His heart is tied to the work there and could completely and easily relate to my perspective on the situation. It also provided an opportunity for him to see me under major stress. :)

When the time came to re-enter New Orleans after Gustav, he was able to take time off due to a break in the tour schedule, and make the drive back with me. This was a tremendous blessing as I was dreading the thought of making that same trip alone, again. We made it safely and he pitched in like he had always worked with us to put our office and our sites back together again, doing whatever needed to be done. Then he started volunteering as a plumber! When the tour resumed, he flew to New Orleans every Monday, scouted his plumbing job after I picked him up at the airport, worked Tuesday and most of Wednesday, until he had to jump back on another plane to rejoin the tour. He spent his 'days off' plumbing our houses with other SBP staff and volunteers for the next 5 weeks. (When he fell asleep in the chair next to my desk, I knew he needed a real day off.)

The Friends and Family Tour

While the applications seemed to pass with flying colors, there was still the actual meeting of family to be done. This was quickly accomplished as he toured--my sister, Rhonda; and her daughters, Kayla, and Maddie on opening night in Detroit and the Colorado crew on the final night in Denver (Marcie, Zach, Kristin (and Boston), BJ, Kelli, Ciera, and Celeste)--all without me.

Fortunately for me, one of Karl's trips coincided with my brother-in-law's trip to New Orleans. Carl, Cindy and their newest bundle of joy, Emma Joy, spent a week visiting and getting to know Karl as well. We asked them to talk through some common premarital counseling topics with us to be sure we were on the same page from their outside perspective. We also enjoyed the time together, visiting a plantation, riding the ferry, and eating lots of good NOLA food. Their conclusion was that Karl and I are very well-suited for each other. :)

So, that almost brings us up to date. I think I will let you hear from him about the rest of this chapter. Stay tuned for the details from Karl on his proposal.

Passing the Test

2008-09-02T17:58:00.002-04:00

While at the Democratic National Convention, Mayor Nagin commented about incoming Gustav,
"This will be a good test for us, I wish we didn't have to go through this test, and I hope this thing veers at the last minute, because right now, these are the best levees that we have."

I'm grateful to say that the levees did hold and the storm cooperated. St. Bernard and New Orleans were spared the severe damage we saw just three years ago in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

When I watched Nagin's interview with Anderson Cooper from Denver last week, I wasn't sure what I thought of his word choice... 'test.' Now that we're through it, I can see a different perspective.

Passing the test of Hurricane Gustav could propel the much needed rebuilding work that is still leftover from Katrina. New Orleans and Louisiana have proven that lessons were, in fact, learned and that state and local and even federal governments can effectively evacuate over 2 million people in the face of disaster.

My personal prayers revolved around people this time, not the weather-- for evacuees and officials to be clear-headed, making good decisions. I think these prayers (and many others) were answered.

In our own staff at the St. Bernard Project, I can see the unity forming as we pulled together and prepared for the worst, while hoping and rejoicing when those efforts became unnecessary. Storms and tests are scary, but sometimes essential to taking the next step.

Zack, one of our directors and co-founders, has also started to blog. Here's his perspective.

The calm before...

2008-08-30T19:20:00.004-04:00

Never did I dream that when my brother dropped me off in New Orleans with a card that contained $250 for 'evacuation' would I ever have to use it. Let alone on the 3-year anniversary of Katrina.

I'm safe in Tulsa where Karl was very glad to see me arrive safe and sound. I headed out of St. Bernard yesterday at 6 pm up Paris Rd. only to see a handful of banks and businesses boarded up in preparation for Gustav. I took 610-W and had very little traffic, as compared to normal city traffic. When I hit the turn for 55-N, it was smooth sailing from there. I was so focused on getting here that I didn't process much of the week's events... until now.

After driving through the night, I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. It's all starting to hit me, in the calm before the storm.

As I drove away from the city that has been my home for the past year, signs of Gustav were all around. Those signs slipped away the farther north I got... the radio station announcing evacuation by Parish was out of range by Jackson, MS, the traffic thinned, and you would never know that over a million people were a few hours south, making plans to flee the impending hurricane.

This week has been a blur, but I want to memorialize it... for the sake of St. Bernard and it's residents.

Monday/Tuesday- We were eagerly completing our plans for the 24-Hour Build to honor the 3-year anniversary of Katrina, when a new storm--Gustav--appeared on the radar. It was just a tropical storm, nothing to worry about. We continued making directions for our 100+ volunteers set to work 3 shifts around the clock on 5 homes in St. Bernard. Miss Ann was thrilled to hear that she would be able to move in by the end of the build on Saturday.

Wednesday- I was glued to map after map of Gustav's progress and by the time Zack and Liz (co-directors and founders of St. Bernard Project) returned from the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday afternoon, I was very ready to 'turn over the reigns' and my newly crafted evacuation plan to them. Talk of Hurricane Gustav was in the air... you could feel the skepticism and worry mixed with hope and resiliency in the office. It seemed to be heading our way, but you can never really tell that far out. We all kept saying, "Tomorrow we will know more and can make decisions then." We met as a management team and decided that we would start to prepare for the worst, while modeling to our nervous homeowners that there was still hope of Gustav passing New Orleans right on by. Nevertheless, we called all of our out of state volunteers and urged them not to travel to Louisiana in case of an evacuation. The 24 Hour Build thus became a normal work schedule on a very important day.

Thursday- As computer generated models continued to track Gustav's progress directly into the Gulf Coast by Labor Day, we decided to put our evacuation plan into action. St. Bernard Project staff rallied and pulled tools from all our houses except 24 Hour Build houses, dumped trash, reorganized the warehouse, hauled tools to the second story, and consoled residents. I think we were all caught up in the frenzy of activity. Everyone sprung into action, worked as a team, and demonstrated an amazing ability to work well under pressure--together. After work, we had an all-staff meeting and mandated that all SBP Staff begin implementing their personal evacuation plan by 8 am on Saturday, with a mandatory evacuation of St. Bernard Parish most likely to follow. I went home to pack.

It's odd to look around your home and consider, "What can't I live without? What really is essential to my existence?" We were advised to bring enough food and water for 7 days, as things can get hairy during evacuation time. I'd heard enough horror stories of Katrina evacuees to know that I wanted to leave as soon as the office was secure. What I'm pondering now is what that same scenario would feel like for a family with an entire house full of years of belongings, or a home that was just rebuilt since Katrina. Evacuating from my small, unfurnished apartment is no comparison.

Friday- I loaded my car and headed into work on the 3-year anniversary of Katrina, anticipating my own evacuation deadline of 6 pm. We ended up with about 30 volunteers for the 24 Hour Build working on 4 homes. We had planned and planned for the anniversary build, yet Gustav's arrival overshadowed. Again, the SBP staff did what they do best and pulled off an amazing amount of work to complete the final pre-storm preparations. It was another flurry of activity, but with much purpose... many thoughts, fewer words, and awkward goodbyes. We hugged each other and went our separate ways into the unknown with our phone trees in hand and promises to keep in touch as we scattered.

Saturday- My phone has been consistently buzzing with calls and texts from staff members as they complete their travel and wait. We wait for any indication, just an inkling of what the future will hold.

As I sit here in Oklahoma, it feels like a dream... I drove north and removed myself from the path of the storm, but I feel so far removed, so quickly. I've been reduced from my first-hand experience to news snippets and emotionless articles on www.nola.com. In all the planning and preparing I didn't process. Now I will... in this space from the work of rebuilding, in this safe haven over 700 miles from the place I've learned to call home.

Anniversary Worry Bracing for the Worst

2008-08-29T15:10:00.003-04:00

On the 3-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, we at the St. Bernard Project are preparing for another potential threat--Tropical Storm Gustav. It is expected that by the end of the day, Gustav will be back to CAT 1 and reach make landfall along the Gulf Coast (exact location unknown) as a CAT 3 by Monday sometime.

Residents of St. Bernard are anxious and volunteers like myself don't know really know what to expect. In anticipation of evacuation tomorrow, I will be leaving tonight after we have sufficiently battened down the hatches here at the office. This photo gives you an idea of what my office looks like this afternoon. Soon to be filled up with the remaining tools from the last 4 houses in operation today.

David Temple and his wife, Amy, have graciously opened up their home in Little Rock to me as my first stop on the evacuation route. From there I will head on to Tulsa to visit Karl.

I really can't believe how odd this feels... I have plenty of food and water and my car is filled with St. Bernard Project documents as well as my own personal essentials. I'm hoping that the warning of "4x longer drive time during evacuation" will not be the case in my situation.

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and prayers for a safe evacuation for myself and all of our volunteers!

More soon...

Louisiana Summertime, One Day at a Time

2008-08-12T21:37:00.004-04:00

It has been recently called to my attention that it has been over 5 months since I have posted a thing on this blog. I wish I could say that my public has been up in arms and counting the days until this day when I would write again. I do have one fan though! The Pops. His ghost comments have inspired me to begin anew and blog yet again!
--------

School began here yesterday in New Orleans and the voice on the radio reminded drivers to look out for buses and flashing school zones on the morning commute. This reality is unfathomable to me. For months I was anticipating the sweltering, oppressive Louisiana summer and seriously wondering if I would survive without complete misery. I anticipated sleepless nights and wanting to make myself a bed of ice cubes. I had visions of hurricane evacuations and wondered how many hours it would take me on I-10 to make my way clear of the NOLA skyline. Now that August is nearly half-over, I guess it's safe to say that I'm in the clear. Don't mistake me--we are very much in the middle of Hurricane Season and it has been HOT and HUMID, but I guess what they say about your body 'adjusting' is, in fact, true. (I'm sure that my apartment with central air has something to do with that, though I keep the temperature between 78 and 80.) This season in the deep south of southeastern Louisiana that I have dreaded has not been nearly as painful as I had imagined.

It seems that this is often how life goes. We anticipate something, good or bad, and before we know it, that time has passed us by. Did we enjoy those moments of expectation? Did they cause undue stress and irritation? Did we trust or did we manipulate?

I just spoke with a friend about taking each day as it comes. That's what I'm aiming for... having the faith and trust just for today. Not for tomorrow or the next day. Just for today. And sometimes just for this moment.

Philippians 4 shares wisdom on this:

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

May it only be through His strength and for His glory that I live.

On every corner in Bean-town

2008-04-01T13:35:00.005-04:00

Locations in Greater New Orleans: 1
Locations in Boston: 100 (It felt like more!)

Source: www.dunkindonuts.com Store Finder

Friends and Family

2008-04-01T13:31:00.001-04:00

Easter girls
Originally uploaded by andrea.e.bean@gmail.com

Easter Hope in the Voice of Luke (24: 36-49)

2008-04-01T13:21:00.003-04:00

Jesus- May you have peace!

You might expect them to be overjoyed, but they aren't. They're startled and terrified; they think they're seeing a ghost.

Jesus- Why are you upset? Why are your hearts churning with questions? Look--look at My hands and My feet! See that it's Me! Come on; touch Me; see for yourselves. A ghost doesn't have flesh and bones, as you can see that I have!

Then He shows them His hands and His feet.
Now their fear gives way to joy, but it seems too good to be true and they're still unsure.

Jesus- Do you have anything here to eat?

They hand him a piece of broiled fish, and He takes it and eats it in front of them.

Jesus- I've been telling you this all along, that everything written about Me in the Hebrew Scriptures must be fulfilled--everything from the law of Moses to the prophets to the psalms.

Then He opens their minds so they can comprehend the meaning of the Hebrew Scriptures.

Jesus- This is what the Scriptures said: that the promised Liberating King should suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, that in His name a radical change of thought and life should be preached, and that in His name the forgiveness of sins should be preached, beginning in Jerusalem and extending to all the nations. You have witnessed the fulfillment of these things. So I am sending My Father's promise to you. Stay in the city until you receive it--until power from heaven comes upon you.

My shotgun

2008-03-30T16:35:00.002-04:00

My shotgun
Originally uploaded by andrea.e.bean@gmail.com

Long overdue, this is a photo of my place! Constance Street... just off of Magazine is where my shotgun-style apartment resides.

Now that Bethany is in town, I have a resident photographer. More spring time fun photos from NOLA coming soon.

Forcing Hope?

2008-01-20T20:01:00.000-05:00

As I begin again to post on this blog, I'm considering the reason I started in the first place.

To actively record my hope sightings. To memorialize the moments when hope rose to surface above the muck and sludge of life.

But what I didn't anticipate was the difficulty in seeing and defining those moments. The reality is that not every day is filled with them. Sometimes hope is hard to even conceptualize.

I think in those times when hope seems so far-fetched, so unattainable, so non-existent and impossible--in those moments, we have to look to each other for reminders that hope does, in fact, live on.

I recently discovered a podcast that addresses some of this. Thank you Donald Miller! He dares to say the things I only think... Listen to Donald speak on Hope.

2008-01-19T00:49:00.001-05:00

Resolutions, Records, and Reflections

2008-01-13T12:57:00.000-05:00

Out of the void I come, returning to this blog, vowing to make this new year one of reflection. Time has escaped me. I've lost all concept of it, going, going, gone... In much of my going and doing, I've missed precious moments. So, my resolution is to keep forcing myself to take time to observe, watch, listen, discern, and reflect.

Since Thanksgiving, I've come and gone from Michigan and Pennsylvania, both providing my senses with the much-needed atmosphere of winter wonderland I'd been craving. I had the pleasure of being with my family and dear friends, wishing the time would never end. I acted like a tourist in the 'Burgh, going to a Pens game (thank you Max!), eating at Primanti Bros (twice), and visiting the Fort Pitt museum (did you know it exists?). I've come to love the quirky, beautifully unique aspects of this city that I grew up near and never truly explored.

The change of scenery was nice. I worked a bit from the road, trying to stay on top of the countless emails and voicemails from eager volunteers, many of which would be arriving to work immediately after Christmas. But I managed to set apart two entire days, refusing to respond to the technology beckoning me to react.

Upon my return to New Orleans, over 100 volunteers were ready and waiting to invest their time and energy into helping others rebuild their lives--the true spirit of Christmas in my mind. Although Christmas looked and felt a lot different this year--no tree or lights in my apartment, no Christmas Eve service--I experienced the reality of Immanuel, God With Us.

Making the invisible God, visible--people came of all ages, colors, faith-backgrounds, genders, as they do every week--to serve, demonstrating compassion and love.

Since my time began in St. Bernard nearly 4 months ago, 25 families homes are now underway, 10 of which should be 'officially' completed by the end of January. An average of 75-100 volunteers bring their hands and hope weekly to make the rebuilding process a reality. (If I do the math on the number of volunteers I've worked with, it might be too much for me, so I'll leave that up to you.) Just last week we hit a record: over 150 volunteers for the week and 19 houses actively running with volunteers!

I'm optimistic this new year. I've seen so much pain, yet so much hope these past months. Homeowners will tell you their harrowing story with the grand finale resembling something like, "But Katrina was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I've learned to be grateful for the numerous blessings that have come through learning to receive."

As I sit here in our humble office, I'm reminded that this organization that is impacting so many lives was started and is run by people who aren't even claiming to rely on God for strength or direction. The activeness of the relief/volunteer community, largely made up of humanitarian folk, makes me think critically about how "Christians" are doing in this world where we are called to love our neighbors and be good Samaritans.

The hunt for a church as I keep this issue in mind continues to be a struggle. I've gone to 4 now and wonder where I should plant my roots for the next three-quarters of this year. If you're a praying person, I would appreciate prayers for wisdom and discernment. I don't want to miss out this year--on the lessons, on the relationships, on the things of true value.

If you're reading this, I was probably thinking of you when I wrote this. (My mind is swirling with memories and thoughts of the people I love.)

How I long for the day when there's no good-byes...Until then, my hope is that we will all find our places and roles in this world, learning along the way, as we discover and grow into the best versions of ourselves.

With Gratitude

2007-11-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Seasons matter. They indicate to our senses the passage of time. Without them, I feel disoriented, like this day of gratitude has appeared without much warning. Finally today, the temperature fell and my mind could reconcile a bit more that it is, in fact, November.

Our office was open today for a half-day while over 90 volunteers from all around the country served families that were perfect strangers just 4 days ago. On my way home, I stopped at Miss Smiles' home and got there just in time for sweet potatoes, some unknown southern vegetable similar to a pepper, chicken, and baked macaroni. Her daughter and son-in-law also came by to wish the volunteers who had been painting a Happy Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful half-hour--a mix of race, culture, tradition--all in the framework of gratitude.

As I've noticed the importance of seasons in the physical realm, I consider the seasons in our spiritual lives as well. I know that this season is different... and I'm beginning to be ok with that. I'm fighting the urge to replicate my CO life and instead am asking what this season should bring. All the while, I'm grateful that life brings changes, seasons--that not every day is the same, that while there may be indicators, we're not certain what that will mean. I'm thankful for uncertainty and the opportunity to seek and trust.

This Thanksgiving day, I'm also filled with gratitude that I am human, that I feel, that I was made to love and be loved, and that so many have been part of the seasons of my life.

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
--Nichole Nordeman, an excerpt from "Gratitude"

Home Away from Home

2007-11-01T21:48:00.000-04:00

Another new beginning... my first night in my new apartment! Unpacking tonight made me feel extremely grateful for this place, this chance, this year. It's a shotgun style place with high ceilings and exposed brick over the closed-off fireplaces. There are 19 less beds then in the last house, so it automatically feels less lonely, less like others are missing. It's furnished but without a TV and I'm looking forward to the reflection time that will inevitably allow.

Many thanks to Max for bailing me out and helping me move, packing my entire car, while I rested. (I'm fighting off some kind of cold/flu right now.) Thankfully we're not working Saturday, so I'll have a true weekend to recuperate.

As I look around this new home of mine, I ponder what the memories of the next 11 or so months might entail...

Sunrise, Sunset

2007-10-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

Just a few moments ago a sweet girl, accompanied by her father, came in to fill out an application to have help rebuilding their home. I should expect it, but every time a resident launches into their story, I'm shocked. I suppose I should be grateful that I haven't become desensitized to it all just yet.

She explained, "My mom kind of drowned in the storm. I evacuated like a week before, but she didn't," with unbelief and denial still laced in her voice over two years later.

When she turned in her application to me, her dad also handed me the program from the funeral of his 55-year old wife. Smudged with fingerprints and worn with time, the photo of this wife and mother was so pixelated I could barely make out her features. All I could say to him was a heartfelt, yet completely inadequate, "I'm sorry." I could see the memories in his eyes as he took it back and studied her face on the cover. He couldn't speak, but simply pointed to the top: Sunrise- 1950, Sunset- 2005.

Oh God, before the sun sets on my days, help me to live my live as wholly yours!

Blessed Reassurance

2007-10-28T10:12:00.000-04:00

"Yet there is no doubt that God prepared me for this life I now lead,

connecting the varied and ironic threads of my experience into a beautiful tapestry as He would see fit."

--Ravi Zacharias, Walking from East to West

Balancing Act

2007-10-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

"My life belongs to others just as much as it belongs to myself." -- Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out

After working three Saturdays straight, I had the pleasure of sleeping in, relaxing, watching football, and reading yesterday. Callie Redfield blessed me with some of Henri Nouwen's work and I'm eating it up. Being on the go so much makes me relish the still moments and realize that I desperately need more stillness and solitude in my life to be effective. Writing on this blog has forced me to think and process and I'm grateful for the chance to do so! I want to learn and grow as much as possible this year and I know that reflection is a key factor in that.

But the real question is, how can I effectively balance inward reflection with outward relationships?

"In the midst of a turbulent, often chaotic, life we are called to reach out, with courageous honesty to our innermost self, with relentless care to our fellow human beings, and with increasing prayer to our God. To do that, however, we have to face and explore directly our inner restlessness, our mixed feelings toward others, and our deep-seated suspicions about the absence of God." -- Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out

Breathing In

2007-10-13T18:31:00.000-04:00

Today is a perfect day in New Orleans. I'm in Mid-City, sitting outside on N. Carrollton Ave. at my Bean Gallery coffee shop, a pleasant breeze dancing through the air, gas lanterns and palm trees across the way. This morning had a chill to it, like the promise of fall on the horizon. With Saturday's volunteers out the door and to their sites, I could take a minute to breathe deep.

Finally caught up on voicemail, I've retreated after a long week of women- over 200 of them! It was Women's Rebuild Week and the busiest week so far. It went well, but I'm glad it's over! :)

For the first time since arriving here, I think I feel comfortable. Driving through the Garden District, I realized that some of the streets were familiar to me. I just might be adjusting to this town. I also successfully navigated my way to the Wal-Mart on Tchoupitoulas (I dare you to take a stab at pronouncing that one!).

I didn't anticipate this transition to be so all-consuming. The energy expended in "figuring things out"--everything from budgeting to the cheapest place to buy gas--has also managed to cloud my vision. I've been straining ahead, and now I'm looking back. It finally feels like I can see things clearly again, like the lens of self is becoming more and more transparent.

Anticipating that the chaos will continue, I want to learn how to be peaceful, kind, gentle in spite of how stressed I might feel. I want to be one that takes the time to see people for who they are--not just a name on a volunteer calendar or homeowner list. I want to be a participant in rebuilding of much more than homes.

"God had been in the shadows all along. When God puts a broken life back together, He removes the scars because he builds from the inside out. And when God steadies a faltering life, He puts you on His footing."
--Ravi Zacharias, Walking from East to West

Remembering we're all here for a purpose, that this life is not accidental, I'm breathing in the beauty of this day.

Any Given Sunday--The Church Search

2007-10-07T18:31:00.000-04:00

During family vacations as a kid, I dreaded Sunday morning because it meant the inevitable trip to a local church where we didn't know a soul. It always felt as though all eyes were on us, all whispers were about who we might be and were we came from. Looking back, I don't think I quite understood the larger body of Christ.

Thankfully my church search has been quite different than my middle school remembrances. I've visited the Vineyard a few times where Jeff and Janell Hirschoff, Fort Collins-ites who moved to Kenner, LA just a few weeks before my journey began, are running the volunteer program through Mercy Response.

Today I attended my second New Orleans church, Redeemer Presbyterian (PCA). Hoping for solid preaching and interesting worship, I headed down to the Garden District to visit the only PCA church in New Orleans proper. It's a small church that has been hosting post-Katrina volunteer teams and has worked on over 100 homes in the greater New Orleans area. Adele, a lawyer in the city, introduced herself and broke the awkward "I don't know anyone here" silence. Ray, the pastor and a NY native, was also very welcoming. He was invited to the church the week before the storm. Little did he know what his ministry would become. His family has had visitors or mission teams staying at their home over half of the year!

They were hosting a post-church potluck, but I already had a ticket to the Saints game, thanks to a very generous individual! (They lost and are now 0-4. If I've learned anything about the people of NOLA, I'm sure those Saints will keep on marching!) And Steeler fans, don't worry, I'm still black and gold through and through!

I'll leave you with a G. K. Chesterton quote from Orthodoxy in Redeemer's program this morning:

"Suppose we hear an unknown man spoken of by many men. Suppose we were puzzled to hear that some men said he was too tall and some too short; some objected to his fatness, some lamented his leanness; some thought him too dark, and some too fair. One explanation... would be that he might be an odd shape. But there is another explanation. He might be the right shape... Perhaps (in short) this extraordinary thing is really the ordinary thing; at least the normal thing, the center."

I miss you all!

P.S. Women Builders- We're hosting over 100 volunteers this coming week to work on 13 or 14 homes for Women's Rebuild Week! Preparing has brought back lots of memories and pink hammers!

Only in "da Parish"

2007-10-05T20:40:00.000-04:00

I've survived my 3rd week, and the first without my family in town, with the St. Bernard Project in 'da Parish' as it is fondly referred to in these parts.

While I try to adjust, I pray that I can be a light in this place. It's difficult to leave my faith-filled support network and I feel a sense of urgency to find a place to connect and worship.

It's obvious that my position with the St. Bernard Project will consume much of my time and energy. The pace in a post-disaster setting is quick; the need is so evident.

I've seen lots of firsts this week: a completed home and ribbon-cutting ceremony, a family approved for help followed with tears of relief, volunteers changed from crabby to understanding, all combined with glimpses of grace along the way.

Yesterday I chuckled at a few things I thought I'd share...

Only in St. Bernard Parish will you find that:

If you need a lawnmower, you should go to a bicycle store. (Apparently this is common knowledge and a rather consistent combo in Louisiana.)
You just might come home to find a frog in your house. (I've found that a broom works fairly well for sweeping the little guy out the front door!)
The local coffee barista (Mike) might look at you like you're speaking Greek when you ask for a large, non-fat, vanilla latte, like he's never heard of it before. (I finally splurged on a latte this week when I was running low on energy and a bit early for work. I went into the 3 Friends coffee shop to be greeted by someone who looked extremely similar to Elvis (also Mike, but the barista's sidekick). After being asked, "Is that the one with the foam?" in response to my beverage choice, the very friendly Elvis clone chatted with me for the next 10 minutes while Barista Mike called his wife, who normally makes the drinks but was recovering from surgery, for instructions on how to make a latte.)

This place is truly unique! I am blessed to be here through (get ready for this southern talk) the support of all y'all! Please keep the prayers coming as I continue to discern how to spend my time and where to go to church. I know I need grace for each moment!

Hanging on to Hope

2007-09-26T23:34:00.001-04:00

It's been a whirlwind week for me, as was to be expected. Now into week #2, I'm adjusting... but I will admit that exhaustion sets in rather easily for me as I adapt to this disaster mindset.

A tropical storm was heading our way over the weekend and all the AmeriCorps teams in the area were mobilized to create temporary shelters for those residents of St. Bernard Parish in FEMA trailers. It was such an odd feeling... the impending doom of another disaster. People were skiddish, anticipating the next 'big one.' They say that winds above 65 mph could destroy the trailers.

It amazes me how matter-of-factly the disaster stories are told in 'da Parish.' Katrina is part of their lives now and they refer to it as nonchalantly as 'making groceries.'

One homeowner I met last week retold his story of over 100 mph winds during Katrina. Joe and his father watched as the water turned from a few feet to 18 feet, breaking down their front door and stranding them on their own roof. They soon were selecting trees, one for each, that would be their next lifesaver if the water continued to rise.

Trying to shelter his father from the rain that was actually cutting his legs (at 100 mph I guess rain can do that), Joe managed to maneuver a boat onto the roof as a shield from the elements. His success was followed promptly by a tree crashing into the back of his head, knocking his face into the boat that was his shelter. Spitting teeth and blood, Joe held onto that boat to protect his father.

Now when you ask Joe how he's doing, you'll inevitably hear something along the lines of, "We're making it," or "We're still here." Joe was a teacher in the inner-city with at-risk youth before the storm. With no health insurance, his diabetes is out of control and can't work. From the way he talks about that time, it's obvious that he was a blessing to those students.

We started working on Joe's house this week. It's been gutted for quite some time and finally there is insulation and drywall going in. "It looks like a house again," he says. "You can't see through the walls anymore..."

Joe told me that he's found God again in the midst of all of this. He doesn't quite know when or how he lost his faith, but he knows that it's back. Instead of being on his roof hanging onto a boat, he's in his trailer hanging onto hope.

Blessings Abound

2007-09-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

Upon my arrival in St. Bernard Parish I thought I would share some of the blessings that I've seen provided, truly more than I could have asked or imagined:

Financial support-- I only need $60.14 more per month!! (thanks to everyone who has contributed through my church, at my going away party, and otherwise!)

A much-needed bike rack (thanks to Andy, Tina, and Fosten)

Kitchen items (courtesy of Callie and Kelli)

A happy iPod (thanks to my generous friends)

Safe travel and company on my drive to N'awlins (thanks to Marcie and Gordon for putting up with me over the many miles)

And the biggest surprise of all... A HOUSE AND NOT A FEMA TRAILER! I'm staying in an amazing furnished house that has been remodeled for volunteers and I have it all to myself until November!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:19-20)

Tomorrow I hit the ground running and report to the office.

MANY THANKS for each one of you and your support as I've begun this journey!

Reality vs. Denial

2007-09-14T00:51:00.000-04:00

How do you "wrap up" 5 years of life? How do you leave friends, family, coworkers and not leave a part of yourself?

As I've asked myself these questions over the past weeks, it's been a battle between denial and reality. While it's much simpler to just put off the inevitable, the truth quietly waits around the corner. In this case, tomorrow marks the end of the road for my roommate and I, at least for a time. Endings are difficult and painful, but also a sign that bonds of love have been formed there. It almost makes me grateful for the good-bye tears--helps me to know that these past 5 years were also meaningful and intentional.

And so, the answer is that you do leave a part of yourself, but you gain much more than you give. I'm trying to embrace all of the emotions I feel during this transition, knowing that our great God, the one who sees it all, has my times in His hands and will continue to lead me beside still waters and restore my soul.

So many people have been instruments in my life--Thank you!

On the journey to New Orleans, Leg 1 is over and Leg 2 is about to begin. Tomorrow I bid adieu to Marcie and my brother and I depart for Crosbyton to stay with the most lovely couple in west Texas, Opie and Big Daddy. We will hopefully arrive late Saturday night in NOLA, get settled into the FEMA trailer on Sunday, and start at The St. Bernard Project on Monday!

For those that were wondering about Humberto, he should have already passed by when we arrive. Thanks for your concern, and I'll keep y'all posted!

2007-08-24T12:51:00.001-04:00

"Whereas the Civil Rights movement required the activism of a just cause, Katrina requires the activism of a merciful heart.
This kind of compelling opportunity comes along only once in a generation. Right here, right now, this is our moment."
--Seth Barnes, Adventures in Missions

A Page is Turned

2007-08-23T19:00:00.000-04:00

It's finally here! Decision made. Adventure started. Chapter begun.

Nearly 5 years after arriving in this great state of Colorado with it's beautiful vistas, I am setting off on September 12 for St. Bernard Parish, Chalmette, LA to work with St. Bernard Project. The views will be drastically different, and I'm not sure that I'm fully prepared for the contrast.

This will be the place that I record "the entire experience" and I hope you will visit often to read my accounts of St. Bernard Parish residents and their post-Katrina journeys of hope and perseverance.

For you CO folks, there's talk of a going away shin-dig, so check back for more details.

I'm honored to be going, yet humbled with the knowledge that I really can't do it alone! I'm counting on lots of visitors!