A dear friend of mine is navigating the lovely world of internet dating... eHarmony to be exact. She asked if I had any advice and this is what I sent her today.
- Searching for the perfectly compatible person can be dangerous. Having similar interests and priorities will make life easier, but overall, marriage really does take work and relentless commitment.
- Don't look for someone exactly like yourself. It took me a long time to figure out that more of me would be boring. I needed someone to balance me out.
- Be careful out there! Please tell someone where you're going and don't let him pick you up until you're certain he's legit. I didn't have any bad experiences, but better to be safe. If he's a decent guy, he'll understand.
- Enjoy the dating journey as much as possible and try to learn something from every match/relationship, even if short-lived.
- Attraction makes the work of marriage easier. Give everyone a chance, but if you're not attracted after the second date, move on.
- Be brutally honest with yourself. I always knew deep down when it wasn't going to work and ignored it, making matters worse for both of us.
- Let them down easy, but truthfully. Don't let them feel like the door is still open if it's really not.
- Be sure you're not adapting yourself too much to his likes. Learning to enjoy the things he loves is one thing. Doing so to win his approval and losing yourself in the process is another.
- Getting married won't change him or make him want different things. (Although once he's "won" you, his pursuit will likely look differently than while you were dating.)
- Talk about future priorities. Having the same priorities will make the work easier. If travel is more important to him than having a family, that probably won't change after you're married.
- He should fit into your life and vice versa. If it feels too forced, it is.
- If you're thinking he's a keeper…. Encourage your friends and family get to know him. Ask for their honest opinion and LISTEN to it. (I asked, but didn't listen.) They really do want the best for you. Try to stay as objective as possible. And pray for red flags to appear if they're there.
- Don't expect something of him that you're not willing to give of yourself.
- ALWAYS remember that your identity as a woman, as a child of God, has NOTHING to do with dating or marrying anyone. You are loved by God more than any man can ever love you. Whether or not a guy cares about you or not is ultimately inconsequential. (This was especially freeing to me when it finally sunk in. Chris Tomlin's song, "Your Unfailing Love" was especially helpful when things weren't working out!)
- Have fun and be confident! You are an amazing catch and any guy in his right mind would be lucky to have you. (Remember that!)
