(Un)solicited Dating Advice

A dear friend of mine is navigating the lovely world of internet dating... eHarmony to be exact.  She asked if I had any advice and this is what I sent her today.  

• Searching for the perfectly compatible person can be dangerous.  Having similar interests and priorities will make life easier, but overall, marriage really does take work and relentless commitment.

• Don't look for someone exactly like yourself.  It took me a long time to figure out that more of me would be boring.  I needed someone to balance me out.

• Be careful out there!  Please tell someone where you're going and don't let him pick you up until you're certain he's legit.  I didn't have any bad experiences, but  better to be safe.   If he's a decent guy, he'll understand.

• Enjoy the dating journey as much as possible and try to learn something from every match/relationship, even if short-lived.

• Attraction makes the work of marriage easier.  Give everyone a chance, but if you're not attracted after the second date, move on.

• Be brutally honest with yourself.  I always knew deep down when it wasn't going to work and ignored it, making matters worse for both of us.
• Let them down easy, but truthfully.  Don't let them feel like the door is still open if it's really not.  
• Be sure you're not adapting yourself too much to his likes.  Learning to enjoy the things he loves is one thing.  Doing so to win his approval and losing yourself in the process is another.  
• Getting married won't change him or make him want different things.  (Although once he's "won" you, his pursuit will likely look differently than while you were dating.)

• Talk about future priorities.  Having the same priorities will make the work easier.  If travel is more important to him than having a family, that      probably won't change after you're married.

• He should fit into your life and vice versa.  If it feels too forced, it is.
• If you're thinking he's a keeper…. Encourage your friends and family get to know him.  Ask for their honest opinion and LISTEN to it.  (I asked, but didn't listen.)  They really do want the best for you. Try to stay as objective as possible.   And pray for red flags to appear if they're there.

• Don't expect something of him that you're not willing to give of yourself.

• ALWAYS remember that your identity as a woman, as a child of God, has NOTHING to do with dating or marrying anyone.  You are loved by God more than any man can ever love you.  Whether or not a guy cares about you or not is ultimately inconsequential.  (This was especially freeing to me when it finally sunk in.  Chris Tomlin's song, "Your Unfailing Love" was especially helpful when things weren't working out!)
• Have fun and be confident!  You are an amazing catch and any guy in his right mind would be lucky to have you.  (Remember that!)  

Abide

I was supposed to blog about Chapter 3 of our Sacred Marriage study, but for some reason I couldn't.  Probably because I was wrestling with a few things.  I don't have answers, but I do have peace and a fresh perspective.

It turns out that I can learn a lot from being a parent if I have the eyes to see the lessons right before me.  When Annabelle is trying to get across a message that I don't seem to be understanding (at least quickly enough for her), she flaps her arms up and down quite quickly and makes her signature "maaaa" sound over and over again until I respond in the way she's expecting.  She can't comprehend yet that I really do have her best in mind, that I'm not going to forget about her or her needs.  I will never desert her and I will most certainly always love her, whether she can see me or not.

I've realized that often times I act like Annabelle when I don't feel like God is listening to me or answering my prayers as quickly as I would like.  But the truth is that my Father God will never leave me.  He is always with me and provides more than I need.  All I need to do is abide in Him.  Breathe deep.  Relax.  Trust.  Pray.  Hope.

And not just hope that He'll do what I want.  Eternal Hope.  Remembering that this is not our home.  That's what this blog was meant to be: a testament to eternal hope floating to the surface of everyday life. How quickly I forget.

Making the Invisible God, Visible

Some time ago I came across the language, "Making the invisible God, visible."  This phrase kept coming to mind as I read the second chapter of Sacred Marriage.

"He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost to point to his own eternal, spiritual existence."
"... a word picture of the most important news humans ever received."

As I single person I was a signpost, trying to remember that I represented another infinitely greater than myself, trying to live my life in a way that people would see the Lord's goodness and mercy.  And now, as a married person, that goal remains the same.

"The first purpose in marriage-- is to please God."
"Most of the cases of divorce among Christians... involve two Christians who have distorted their priorities in life."

These statements were extremely convicting for me!  I know both of them to be true, but man, how easy it is to get sidetracked!  I am guilty of getting caught up in the grind--the laundry, the dishes, sweeping so my crawling baby won't put every little thing in her mouth, diapers, more laundry, meals, church, community group, play dates--and forgetting what I should be focused on.  Pleasing the One who rescued me.

God, forgive us for idolizing each other and our marriage. Help us to realign our priorities and keep our eyes set on You.

"The Greatest Challenge in the World"

Three years ago if you had asked me, "What is the greatest challenge in the world?", my response would likely have been something about disaster preparedness or rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina. My life used to be about that... helping families recover and become whole again after their world was swept away in a storm. Louisianians have a very strong sense of family which influenced my husband and I to return home to be with our families when we found out that our Munchkin would be part of our lives.

Now, I'm part of a blogging book study and Chapter 1 of Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage, is entitled, "The Greatest Challenge in the World." Anyone can be married, but what does it mean to have a sacred marriage?

As I was reading this first chapter, four little words came back to haunt me from another book study I did years ago while living in Colorado. "It's not about me." Uggh, my selfishness rears its ugly head... again. The world doesn't actually revolve around ME or MY life at all.

The subtitle of this book is "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This rings true with the imagery we have in the Bible of marriage symbolizing the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. I'm glad that the author doesn't exclude happiness from the equation completely because the Bible is essentially one giant love story between the Creator God and the people He created. He delights in his people and rejoices over them with singing as it says in Zephaniah 3:17.

This book study also coincides with a study through my church in which we are discussing "heart-idols." How often do I rely on my husband for things that only God can provide? More than I'd like to admit to myself. I don't want to idolize my husband or our marriage, but when I allow the busyness of life to drown out the still, small voice of a God who is whispering His love for me, that's exactly what happens.

I thank God every day for the amazing husband that Karl is and for bringing us together. I pray that participating in this study will force me to take time to be still, reflect, learn and grow into a more godly woman and wife.

Beginning Again

Only a mere 9 months or so has passed since my last post. Yikes! Baby B, our dear, sweet girl has filled our home with more joy than we ever dreamed possible. Annabelle Grace, how much you have changed our lives and how much we love it!

I'm starting this blogging adventure again so that I can participate in a blogging book study. We'll be reading Sacred Marriage and sharing our thoughts. Here's to having more than 13 posts this year!

To the surface

This blog has been essentially inactive, aside from random comments from one Bob Podgurski, for quite some time.

My life has changed... in just a few ways. The most recent is that Karl and I are having a baby, due December 14. And so another chapter begins.

I won't promise to keep this up to date, and I doubt anyone will read this anyway, but tonight, with the rest of the world fast asleep, I felt the need to write once more.

Becoming

Definition of BECOME

intransitive verb
1a : to come into existence
1b : to come to be
2 : to undergo change or development

Related Words: alter, change, metamorphose, modify, mutate, transfigure, transform, transmute
Near Antonyms: abide, be, continue, linger, remain, stay

Tonight it hit me. In one moment, the culmination of hours of labor and nine months of pregnancy, I will become a mother. Sure, you could count these past eight months as parenting in a way, but in the moment of birth, a new life begins and another lifestyle ends.

Ideally we should always be 'becoming' something different-- always learning, growing, changing. But the realization that I toss out into the void tonight is more drastic than that picture. Transformation, alteration, these are permanent and lasting changes.

Of course I know that becoming parents will change our lives forever, but the sheer reality of that fact is settling in to stay. Maybe now that we're down to the final days until Baby B will be considered "full term" I'm finally allowing myself to ponder. I've been focusing so much on the pregnancy and trying to get through all the changes associated, I haven't fully considered the right of passage that we are about to go through.

I love this unborn child more than I thought possible, but if I'm truly honest, part of me is mourning already for what will have been. Selfish things of course-- independence, free time, unlimited husband-time-- that will soon vanish and be replaced with altogether opposite things. I find myself almost wanting to linger in this currently uncomfortable, yet familiar state of pregnancy to delay this inevitable loss of what my life has been to this point. It sounds drastic, but just as in marriage, when our lives become so intertwined with another, it is impossible to remain unchanged.

As daunting and scary as this sounds to me right now, I want to embrace this transformation and absorb the weight of it-- both now and as I go through the work of bringing Baby B into this world. When the labor pains have ceased and the infant's breathing has begun, I am a mother.